What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 10:52
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
All the time i was locked up.
She loved him until the end.
What do you like the most about black people?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One cannot live in the past .
Why do I feel sleepy after massage?
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
What are the best items to buy from a furniture shop?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Comes on , in middle age.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why do women have sex with dogs?
I couldn’t, believe it.
She found it foreign!.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
What did i know ?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Would this be the day?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She wouldn,t have been !
What are examples of real life forced feminization?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was scared of men, in general
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why do wives cheat on their loyal husbands?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why do I feel like something bad is going to happen to me?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Put me off passion for life!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Do foreign workers face discrimination in Canada?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was 9 years of age.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
How can I get a girlfriend? I am 26.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Ive learnt so much.
Who then, do I blame.?
We all went to grammer schools
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He knew the spot.
This is soul school!.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
It was going to be , some day.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But it wasn’t much.
I will be 64.
My life is so biszare .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My family never makes their pension either.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I think the readers, may guess!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I have no regrets .
I said to her
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I waited trembling.
So, i spoilt her more .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She married twice! .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was very sick at this time too.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was seconnd youngest,
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
When she asked me how she looked .
I don,t even have a pension.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And i lived it daily.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We were not on the streets..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But, we were locked up after school.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I could never make a relationship work though!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I write beautiful poetry .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im still living with it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
(And it was in our own minds.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So whats the point in blame.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He resisted the act ,that day.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was in good health!